Dealbreakers, Part 1

This is a list of dealbreakers, so they are absoloutely non-negotiable.  It doesn’t matter if you’re disgustingly rich and good-looking and throwing jewels at me….well up to a certain point.  LET’S BE REAL, I have my price.  Which you might know is actually not very high, if you’ve ever run into me on the street corner (Obviously there are just SO MANY opportunities for this kind of thing living in the Den of Sin that is a small Scottish town…she just stuck in HOUSTANDREWSVEGAS BASICALLY.)

Anyway, I’m sharing this not because I want to date you (or do I? What’s your bank statement looking like these days?), but because it brings me down when it seems like the world is full of ugliness. Of course there are a lot of general dealbreakers (you like Entourage, you have a lot of any ‘feelings’), but here are just the ones relating to style and appearance.

Facial Hair

This is an all encompassing rule here.  We’re talking beards, moustaches, sideburns, goatees, everything.  You name it, I hate it. I mean I know that moustaches are hilarious to joke about, but its all fun and games until someone ends up looking like a pedophile.   Why do you want it to look like a furry rodent died and its final resting place was on your face? It is UTTERLY baffling to me.  I’m sorry (I’m not) but I just can’t get on board with the beard trend.  If you’ve got a beard, you can fuck off back to your lumberjack cabin and write some mopey folk songs, okay?

Crying

Okay, this isn’t related to style, but still very important.  You know how guys hate it when women cry? Well, when guys cry in front of girls it’s even worse. At least it’s socially acceptable for girls to cry.  When guys cry it is massively uncomfortable and cringeworthy, but also secretly kind of funny.  So now I’m repulsed by you, but also trying to suppress a laugh attack and planning how I’m going to imitate you when I tell this hilarious story later.  That’s a terrible situation to be in.  I don’t care if last night really meant something to you, or you really loved that dog, or you’re feeling betrayed because he’s your best friend and I’m your girlfriend.  KEEP IT LOCKED DOWN. No exceptions.

Socks and Sandals

I am SO APPALLED when i see things like this.  I mean, this shit is fucking ridiculous.   Sandals without socks are off limits too.  We’ve been over this before.  I don’t want to look at your gross man feet.

Long Hair

I think that one of the worst things about living in Ye Olden Times, even worse than all the rats and disease, must have been how long hair on men was a huge trend. SO. GRIM. There’s no winning here.  If your hair is sleek, shiny and conditioned, you look like a lady, as well as ridiculously vain.  If it’s not well cared-for, you look majorly grimy and a bit like a potential serial murderer.  BTW, in case you are wondering what the criteria for ‘long hair’ is, if you’re even close to being able to tie in back in an elastic, it is wayyyy too long.

Jewelry

This is very confusing to me.  What is this need to bedeck your person with items of jewelry? When is the moment that you in a store and you see like a chain and you’re like ‘ wow that’s what i need! I should definitely give them money so that i can have this’ ?  Or when are you walking around the mall and you’re like, ‘I should go into Claire’s and wait in line behind the six year old girls to have my ears pierced’? Let’s really rethink our decision making process.

Using Smiley Faces

Once again, not a style thing, but I feel like we all need to be on the same page here.  You should not be using smiley faces (or sad faces or any faces) at any point when texting or on fb chat or whatever.  Is there anything less manly/attractive? NO, NO THERE IS NOT. Congrats on winning the election for mayor of Cringeville…by a landslide.  I mean, when you do this :), i feel :(.  No, wait, there’s not an emoticon that accurately conveys the right amount of embarrassment and disgust.

I bet you’re all, GOD MARGOT, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH? See, what I’m actually doing here is just dishing out some real talk that most girls wish they could share.  So now they don’t have to look mean by saying something, since I’ve put it out there.  It’s called TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM, OKAY? Not such a bitch now, right?  Pretty DAMN SELFLESS ACTUALLY, I would say.

A Necessary Conversation About Graphic Tees

I get that some days you’re tired and you don’t feel like wearing a button down or a nice v-neck sweater or whatever so you just opt for a casual t-shirt.  And you don’t want something boring, so you go for a graphic tee.  (I’m sure in actual life you just wear whatever clothes you happen to find on the floor but I’m trying to SET A SCENE here like I learned in creative writing class OKAY?)   Going for a graphic tee, however is usually a huge mistake because most of them suck.  But you’re all “This shirt will make me seem so cool/funny/unique! This will be a great conversation piece with the ladies!” I mean you’re right, it is a conversation piece, but only in the sense that other people will be talking about how stupid you look.

The selection of graphic tees available at Urban Outfitters illustrate the problem perfectly:

Continue reading

Back in the Game, Bitches

HEY GUYS remember when this actually used to be a thing that I like actually wrote on fairly regularly? (Probably not because you probably weren’t reading this.  Not even my cat is reading this anymore.  But that’s because he’s dead (RIP bro).  What’s your excuse?)  But anyway that was sooooooo long ago.  Partly because lot of the time it is hard to come up with anything interesting to say.  Like i could write 300 words complaining about graphic tees, but then it’s kind of like dude, chill out, maybe you need more going on in your life if you’re that affected by t-shirts?  Also I barely understand all those complicated things like spelling and putting words in order.  But still i thought clearly time to dive back into the pool that is the blogging game, yo.   Yes! So exciting! I mean what? Plus this seemed like a wayyy more fun New Year’s resolution than  ‘confronting my addictions.’*

Last year was supposed to be the year we banished ugliness, which obviously didn’t happen because I still see guys walking around in fedoras (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE).   So let’s try to make it happen in 2012 instead.  There’s a lot of work to be done but I have faith that it can happen!  Don’t let me down.

*it’s ok guys i’m getting help for my meth problem!

Menswear Fall 2011 Runway Rundown: The Madness

Men’s Fashion Week just wrapped up you guys! I didn’t even realize it was going on because I was in a state of drunken oblivion! Worst style blogger ever? Pretty much.  Anyway it turns out that the fall collections are (sadly) less batshit insane than the spring collection (drugs shortage?) but don’t worry there’s still enough crazy to go around:

                                                    John Galliano
I think we’re all hoping our Valentine’s Days will look like this.  Nothing says romance like a dozen red roses…and an enormous animal carcass on your head.

                                                   Givenchy
What if Andy Warhol had spent less time silk screening Campell’s soup cans and more time silk screening sweatshirts with dog faces…that would have been way better, right? No? Are you sure?

 
Jean Paul Gaultier 
 Because what’s sexier than flashing some man leg? Answer: Everything. 

                                                   Thom Brown
I would legitimately LOVE to see someone wear this.   It looks like what Willy Wonka would wear to go hunting and it is awesome.  What really makes it, in my opinion, is the cane.  I think it’s time to bring back canes as a fashion accessory – they’ve been monopolized by the old and the blind for TOO LONG! What’s great about canes is how many uses they have – you can lean on them for support, twirl them, beat people with them, etc.  Like imagine how much easier it would be to maneuver through a crowd when you have a cane.  Nothing says “get out of my way, bitches” like a few swift blows from a cane. 

Seriously? Like, not to be a bitch (kidding.  I am always trying to be a bitch) but is EVERYONE allowed to be a model now? Or did one of their models die last minute and they saw this guy on a bench outside feeding pigeons and were like “Hey old man, can you do us a favor?”


P.S. OMG  I just invented the greatest (questionable claim)  new words! GUYLE/GUYLISH.  Like as in GUY + STYLE (GET IT?). Yes? No? What? You’re wincing in pain as I destroy the English language?

Let’s Make 2011 the Year We Banish Ugliness

It’s New Year’s Day, you’ve just hauled yourself out of bed with a splitting headache after a night of wild debauchery (or in my world, drinking sparkling cider in a champagne glass with your teddybear and cat) and you’re starting to make your New Year’s ressies.  Well this year, instead of promising to become a better person/eat more healthily/stop being a drunk/learn to read, why not make a resolution that actually counts and make this the year that you improve the way you dress and get your shit together, style wise?  You can brighten the lives of everyone around you by pledging to abide by some essential man-style laws!
Take official Ugliness Is A Crime New Year’s Resolution Pledge!
In the coming year I firmly resolve
1. Not to wear mandals (especially with SOCKS)
2. Not to grow any kind of gross facial hair
3. Not to wear tank tops/wife beaters/ etc. and not to display any man cleavage.
4.  Not to wear hats that make me look like a tool.
5. Not to wear whatever I find on the floor in the morning.
6. To do my best not to hurt people’s eyes.

 And don’t think that if you’re a girl there’s nothing you can do to help.  You can pledge not to date guys with stupid beards or to withhold sexual favors if your boyfriend tries to wear mandals.  Or just call random people out when they’re wearing stupid shit. 
Together, we can all make 2011 a great year for man style.

Man Fashion Crime of the Month: Seriously, W magazine?

Really?  You really thought this was in any way a good idea? 

Good God, this is as ugly as homemade sin.  This gentleman is apparently named Garrett Hedlund (his name sounds like a viking who models for Abercrombie in between pillagings) and as the headline informs me, he’s “the new heartthrob (and he can act)” (But can he think? Because he kind of looks lobotomized.).   I’m honestly trying to figure out the thought process here.  “Okay, guys, we need to come up with an outfit that says “heartthrob.”  OMG I got it! Animal print lady pants!”    I mean, come on, those are the pants an ageing prostitute would wear with red patent leather heels and too much lipliner when she wants to look like a “serious businesswoman” for a court appearance or something.  And then to top it all off they paired it with a grubby v-neck that looks like it came from a Hanes 3-pack. Also, if you have to do the animal print thing, at least have him make a snarly face and do hand claws.  Missed opportunity!

Please Tell Me You’re Joking: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Deux

Don’t worry, we’ll get back to making fun of man clothes soon (as if you actually care.  Well, my cat, noted connoisseur of man-style Mr. Pickles, was starting to fret.).  But meanwhile, here’s another batch of straight-up crazy from Paris fashion week.

Speaking of fashion shows and such, did I ever tell you guys I used to really wish I were a model? (DON’T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! that “bitch, please, have you met a mirror?” look.)  Eating disorders, shmeating disorders, it looked like the best thing ever: wearing pretty clothes and going to parties, and no more school and having to do complicated math or whatever.  Sadly I’m like 5’5″ and inhale ice cream 24/7, so there was little chance of that dream coming true (Other dreams that are still intact: marrying a duke, buying Versailles, not dying ever.  Come on, IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN…I mean, as long as you believe in yourself…)

Jean-Charles de Castelbajac:

“Okay, guys, whose idea was it to let MIA design our army uniforms? Because whoever it was, they’re fired.  The enemy isn’t even shooting at us anymore because they can’t stop laughing. We looked like dicks out there! And our men won’t stop doing that Paper Planes thing with their guns.”

Viktor & Rolf:

Okay, see this is why the whole tradition where the groom isn’t allowed to see the bride’s dress until the day of the wedding is really messed up.  Like what if you thought you were marrying someone perfectly normal and she shows up at the altar wearing this?  Not fair at all! It’s not like you can nudge her during the ceremony and be like “Darling don’t you think this might be a bit much, could you just dash home and change?”  And you’ll have to look at wedding photos of her wearing that for the rest of your life.  Anyway if your fiancée does show up to your wedding in this, it’s a pretty good indication you’re about to  marry one hell of a crazy bitch, so you should probably do a runner.

Junya Watanabe:

I don’t really know what this is. A nautical mime Rihanna? Which obviously sounds great in concept (“it’s so funny when she mimes holding an umbrella”), but doesn’t quite work out in practice.  What is the deal with the covered face thing anyway? Did they run out of pretty models at the last minute and this was the only solution they could come up with?

Designers Are Why Drug Lords Are So Rich: Paris Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Un

I’m sure that the two people who read this (that is, me and my cat) are like, “Whaaaaaat? This is supposed to be a blog about man style! Why are you talking about lady clothes? I want an analysis of cravats, not this rubbish, you lying bitch!” Well to be honest, much as I love all things man-style, it is kind of a limited subject, and sometimes I run out of things to say.  So I thought I’d see what was up in the world of lady fashion.   Would you guys be down with that? Oh wait, I don’t actually care.  It’s happening, bitches!

And don’t worry that just because I’m writing a little about lady clothes I’m going to start posting “artistic” pictures of myself posing in different outfits.  Please.  Have a little faith in me.  I would never try to pull shit like that.

ANYWAY, Paris Fashion Week just wrapped up, so let’s take a look at the madness that went down the runway:


Vivienne Westwood

 “I’m just so honored to be chosen as Miss Burn Victim USA…” 

You know, one hears a lot about “futuristic chic” on the runway.  But for once we actually have a practical look for the future.  I mean after a nuclear apocalypse, we’ll need a way to protect ourselves from inhaling all that poisonous stuff whilst still looking stylish. 

John Galliano

“These looks are not meant for the living, but for the dead.  That’s right! Next to your wedding, your funeral is the biggest day of your life (well not life exactly), so it’s important to choose your outfit carefully. Wear this to your wake and you’ll definitely want an open casket!  You’ll be the envy of the living – they’ll be crying from grief AND jealousy! This is elegance you’ll want to spend eternity in…and you will.”

Louis Vuitton
 Marc Jacobs designed this collection, and based on that I thought there was a good chance I’d like this.  I usually like the stuff in the Marc by Marc Jacobs stores, even though the only things in my price range are the lipstick pens and the condoms (seriously does anyone ever buy those? “I’d like to buy this $400 dress and some condoms please.” I think it would be more useful if they started including them as a package with the sluttier clothes.).  Anyway my assumption that I would like this collection was dead wrong, although perhaps I should have known, given Marc J’s fondness for skirts and horrifying ads.  This one look says it all:

PANDAS? Are you kidding me? Pandas SUCK.  They are the absolute WORST.  Those fat furry bastards sit around all day stuffing their face with bamboo and watching porn.  You know why? The special panda pornography is supposed to get them “in the mood” because they’re too fucking LAZY to have sex with each other.  That’s why pandas are an endangered species! It’s not some gorilla type sitch, where they’re being poached and hunted to extinction.  Nope, turns out they just can’t be bothered.  We gave them every chance and they’ve made fuck all of an effort.  Just LET THEM DIE OUT!!!  So yeah, any garment with a panda on it is an automatic failure. 


Keeping Warm While Looking Cool (The original title was "Fall" into Something Stylish, so just be grateful)

It’s that time of year again: A sharp wind chills you to the bone when you step outside, you can see your breath in the air, you can’t get out of bed to face the cold without a warming sip of gin first (wait, that happens all year round), etc. Basically it’s about to get PRETTY FUCKING COLD, you know?
Anyway,  let’s take a look at some autumn/winter outerwear options.  There’s no need to sacrifice style for the sake of comfort .
 1. Blazers. I like them.  Duh.  Sharp, a little preppy, a little edgy, blah blah blah, just trust me here.  Adding a skinny tie on occasion would not go amiss.  You don’t have to look like such a goddamn SLOB all the time.

                                                           BDG Shrunken Blazer.  A mere $68.

2. Military is one of the big trends this fall.

I am not really on board with this.  Mostly because “military” makes me think of old dudes with moustaches and possibly British accents.  What I’m trying to say is that it makes me think of guys like Colonel Mustard here, who I think we can agree isn’t exactly the coolest:

Okay, yes, I did spend a lot of time in my childhood playing Clue with my imaginary (/only) friends. Yes, we did get into a lot of arguments about who got to be Miss Scarlet. 

3.  There is something rather disturbing about a man in a large/long coat:

The extra volume kind of makes it seem like he’s wearing a dress.  Big coats also can give off serial killer vibes (although in this case his awful hair isn’t helping.  What is it with Urban Outfitters models?  They look like unhinged lumberjacks who use their axes for chopping up trees and people.)

High Fashion Hijinks: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Trois

You don’t even need me, really.  The pictures kind of speak for themselves.
 

Alexis Mabille:


This looks like what would happen if one of the lost boys was like “fuck this shit” once Wendy showed up and ruined everything so he bounced to go join a crazy pagan cult where they sacrifice goats and dance around fires and stuff.  I still would though.

 Ann Demeulemeester:

“So I’m seeing this new guy and he’s pretty crazy.” “Well, you’ve always had a thing for the wild ones.” “No, like he’s in an insane asylum.” “WTF?” “Yeah, last week he let me help him put on his straightjacket! It was super romantic!” “Are you serious?” “Yeah you should totally meet his roommate! He’s got multiple personalities and you’d totally hit it off with one of them!”

 Vivienne Westwood:

He looks like hobo court jester named Jacques on a far-away planet 2000 years from now that they made by sticking together a bunch of random bits they found in a dumpster.  But see the thing is, guys, that some things should stay in the trash.   Also I’m pretty sure I gave one of my dolls a haircut like that when I was 3 (Master barber skills right here!).

Henrik Vibskov:

 I’m not really sure where to go with this.  Should I make brokeback jokes about his horrifying cowboy pants? Is he wearing goggles? What it that neck-brace thing around his head? Is it indicative of the brain damage of whoever designed this? And most importantly, why does any of this exist?  I give up.