This is a list of dealbreakers, so they are absoloutely non-negotiable. It doesn’t matter if you’re disgustingly rich and good-looking and throwing jewels at me….well up to a certain point. LET’S BE REAL, I have my price. Which you might know is actually not very high, if you’ve ever run into me on the street corner (Obviously there are just SO MANY opportunities for this kind of thing living in the Den of Sin that is a small Scottish town…she just stuck in HOUSTANDREWSVEGAS BASICALLY.)
Anyway, I’m sharing this not because I want to date you (or do I? What’s your bank statement looking like these days?), but because it brings me down when it seems like the world is full of ugliness. Of course there are a lot of general dealbreakers (you like Entourage, you have
a lot of any ‘feelings’), but here are just the ones relating to style and appearance.
This is an all encompassing rule here. We’re talking beards, moustaches, sideburns, goatees, everything. You name it, I hate it. I mean I know that moustaches are hilarious to joke about, but its all fun and games until someone ends up looking like a pedophile. Why do you want it to look like a furry rodent died and its final resting place was on your face? It is UTTERLY baffling to me. I’m sorry (I’m not) but I just can’t get on board with the beard trend. If you’ve got a beard, you can fuck off back to your lumberjack cabin and write some mopey folk songs, okay?
Okay, this isn’t related to style, but still very important. You know how guys hate it when women cry? Well, when guys cry in front of girls it’s even worse. At least it’s socially acceptable for girls to cry. When guys cry it is massively uncomfortable and cringeworthy, but also secretly kind of funny. So now I’m repulsed by you, but also trying to suppress a laugh attack and planning how I’m going to imitate you when I tell this hilarious story later. That’s a terrible situation to be in. I don’t care if last night really meant something to you, or you really loved that dog, or you’re feeling betrayed because he’s your best friend and I’m your girlfriend. KEEP IT LOCKED DOWN. No exceptions.
Socks and Sandals
I am SO APPALLED when i see things like this. I mean, this shit is fucking ridiculous. Sandals without socks are off limits too. We’ve been over this before. I don’t want to look at your gross man feet.
I think that one of the worst things about living in Ye Olden Times, even worse than all the rats and disease, must have been how long hair on men was a huge trend. SO. GRIM. There’s no winning here. If your hair is sleek, shiny and conditioned, you look like a lady, as well as ridiculously vain. If it’s not well cared-for, you look majorly grimy and a bit like a potential serial murderer. BTW, in case you are wondering what the criteria for ‘long hair’ is, if you’re even close to being able to tie in back in an elastic, it is wayyyy too long.
This is very confusing to me. What is this need to bedeck your person with items of jewelry? When is the moment that you in a store and you see like a chain and you’re like ‘ wow that’s what i need! I should definitely give them money so that i can have this’ ? Or when are you walking around the mall and you’re like, ‘I should go into Claire’s and wait in line behind the six year old girls to have my ears pierced’? Let’s really rethink our decision making process.
Using Smiley Faces
Once again, not a style thing, but I feel like we all need to be on the same page here. You should not be using smiley faces (or sad faces or any faces) at any point when texting or on fb chat or whatever. Is there anything less manly/attractive? NO, NO THERE IS NOT. Congrats on winning the election for mayor of Cringeville…by a landslide. I mean, when you do this :), i feel :(. No, wait, there’s not an emoticon that accurately conveys the right amount of embarrassment and disgust.
I bet you’re all, GOD MARGOT, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH? See, what I’m actually doing here is just dishing out some real talk that most girls wish they could share. So now they don’t have to look mean by saying something, since I’ve put it out there. It’s called TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM, OKAY? Not such a bitch now, right? Pretty DAMN SELFLESS ACTUALLY, I would say.